My Buddy Tino and His Phone

My buddy Tino never answers his phone. At least not when I call. Our friends will be getting together for drinks or arranging a cookout last-minute, and I'll call him. But he never picks up. So I give him hell about it: "You know, Tino, people have mobile phones in order to be reachable more often?"

Recently, Tino bought an iPhone, and when I got his voicemail again, I left the following message: "Tino, you've gone and purchased the world's most advanced phone, just to continue ignoring it. Nice." The next day, I got the email below, which almost sounded genuinely defensive to me:

"Hey Ross - Thanks for the invite on Sunday and sorry for not calling you back but I do have a reason (or excuse depending on your outlook). 

Roy, Nicole and I had gone to Carbondale on Saturday and picked up a fridge for me and a bunch of other appliances from her dad's rental properties and so on Sunday we spent the afternoon and much of the evening dropping them all off at various family members houses around the city.  I'm embarrassed to admit it but I left my phone at Roy and Nicole's because I didn't want it to get broken in some awful refrigerator smashing incident where I would have to sacrifice a limb to save my phone.  I'm still in the infancy stage with my phone and I'm positive I'll grow out of it.

So long story short, I didn't get your message until late and so I didn't call - my bad but I'm sure you aren't shocked."

I wrote this back:

"Fine, I guess that's an acceptable excuse for not answering my call.

I hope you don't really feel like you need to explain your reasons for not answering when I call. I always assume there's plenty of reasons why you wouldn't. For instance 

a) Tino is busy watching TV.

b) Tino is [getting] busy.

c) Tino is napping.

d) Tino was once brutally man-checked by Ross and is still a little bitter about it (totally understandable, and I am still sorry, even after you man-checked me back, although not as brutally).

e) Tino is making an iTunes playlist for his next get together. It's based on a Dave Matthews song. It includes several songs by the Squirrel Nut Zippers. It totally rocks.

f) Tino is taking a bath (I have my reasons for thinking this).

g) Tino is drunk.

h) Tino is trapped under something heavy and can't get to his phone.

i) Tino is trapped under something light (I have other reasons for thinking this).

j) Tino is playing with the dog.

k) Tino is running.

l) Tino is already on the phone, ordering something from IKEA.

m) Tino is cleaning out his car (I have reasons to believe this would never happen. Ever.).

n) Tino is planning for the apocalypse and has run to the store for several more 5-gallon jugs of water and three cases of canned tuna.

o) Tino feels apathetic about the incoming call from Ross. It's nothing against Ross. Tino just doesn't care to answer right now.

p) Tino is busy researching the process of joining the Fred Savage Fan Club online. Tino is having trouble finding the Fan Club, and he is beginning to suspect that he will have to start one on his own. This will make him the president of the club, and that makes Tino VERY happy. Fuck Ross's call. This shit is important.

q) Tino is considering the manliness of bow hunting. Seriously, how primitive and cool is that shit? Guns are for wussies.

r) Tino is painting the kitchen. Again.

s) Tino is playing a game on his new iPhone, and if he stops now to take the call, he might not break his own record.

t) Tino believes that Fred Savage might be calling soon, and he doesn't want to miss it.

u) Tino feels antisocial to the point of being phobic. (Don't worry, it happens to us all sometimes.)

v) Tino is getting busy. Again.

w) Tino's phone is out of batteries.

x) Tino is almost out of minutes. Again.

y) Why? Because we like you.

 

~Ross"